Worth 1,000 words?

When I have wasted my time on some social sites, I've noticed a huge trend of people posting pictures of words. Does that mean their pictures are worth more than a thousand words? Like, a thousand words, plus how ever many words are in their clever quote or heartfelt sentiment?

Free Advice:

Take Two of These and Call Me in the Morning

Tell someone what ails you, and you're sure to get advice on how to remedy your ailment. Some work, others don't, but the people who impart this information always feel they are sharing secret knowledge, that you are now be privileged to know. Some of the more bizarre remedies are:

• Snorting saltwater to cure a sinus infection
• Eating a clove of garlic to stop a cold from coming on
• Drinking water, upside-down, to cure the hick-ups
• Scratching your bumcheek when you can't pee

Free Advice:
When someone shares their ailments with you, quickly give them an awful remedy, like drinking clam juice or rubbing glue on their eye. The key is to sell it. Leave them with no doubt that you believe this remedy will cure what ails them. Hopefully, the next time you see them, they can tell you how it all turned out. :)

Stupid. Scared. Smart.

I've found that it's the scariest people that teach you some of life's most valuable lessons. People like wicked step-mothers and Dracula have a way of embedding knowledge so deeply into our mind it can never be forgotten.

After some consideration, I no longer oppose parents letting their children watch horror films. After several horrifying nightmares and some bed-wetting, kids will be much less likely to climb into a sewer gutter to get some free balloons from a clown, even with that killer sales pitch.

Free Advice:
The Joker said it best. Always.

Auto-Endearance

Big thanks to Gabe Ripley for writing this magic script that can automatically create custom terms of endearment! (just click "GIMME MORE")



Now you will never be without a new and exciting name for your lover!

Free Advice:
Where there's a will, there's a stud like Gabe Ripley who can make it happen. Be sure to exploit those friendships for all they are worth.

PS - If this post leaves you clueless, read the previous post. If you remain clueless, you're one of the 99%.

Endearance

At some point in most relationships, partners start giving each other cute little endearing names, such as: Sweety Pie, Honey, or Sugar Lips. If you haven't gifted your "Sig-Oth" with such a term of endearment, but you feel ready to take the next big step, consider this:

The most endearing names involve food. A good formula to follow is:

(delicious food) + (attractive part of human anatomy) = (endearing name)
example: Honey Hips

or if you want to spice it up:

((exciting adjective)(exponent)) + (delicious food) + (attractive part of human anatomy) = (extreme term of endearment)example: Hot Little Naughty Sweety Cake Eyes

Once you get the hang of it, feel free to adjust the formula as you like.

Free Advice:
If that simple formula perplexes your feeble mind, feel free to borrow any endearing name from this list:

• Steamy Mocha Melon Man
• Pudding Pie Brows
• Bacon Legs
• Honey Ham Hips
• Butterfinger Fingers
• Double Bubble Chin
• Hot Butter Biscuit Bum
• Little Patty Melt
• Main Squeeze of Cream Cheese
• Everlovin' Man-wich
• Tall Glass of Warm Yoohoo
• Mr. Peanut Butter Spoon
• Fudge Face
• Mush Mouth
• Sexy Syrup Stash
• Muffin Top
• Walking Talking Candy Machine
• Teddy Bear Medium Rare
• Nice and Cheesy Over Easy
• Mrs. Pumpkin Pie Satisfy
• Sourdough Joe
• Twinkie Arms
• Chocolate Cheeks
• The Last Drop of Milk After a Pack of Double Stuff Can't Get Enough Oreo Momma

*I would caution against endearing names that pair food and parts in confusing ways, such as Rib Arms or Nut Nuts.

Last Chance for Romance

It's Valentine's Day! A perfect time to share some insight on romance.

True love is an effort. It takes full participation from each person in the relationship. Walks on the beach, flowers, jewelry, lingerie, and...you know...cornbread...can be excellent outward expressions of love. I also believe love has a sense of humor, and appropriate comedy can turbo-charge any love life.

Free Advice:
Smelly bedroom pranks, such as the all-time classic "Covered Wagon," are not recommended on Valentine's Day. Although they can be overwhelmingly hilarious, those activities are not considered Romantic Comedy. Save it for a more appropriate evening.

Supernatural Litmus

With all of the claims of paranormal activity in our world today, how can one be sure he/she is not being scammed. UFO sightings, hauntings, telepathy, and noodling are all beyond the understanding of the human mind. Wouldn't it be great to be able to know what is real and what is fable?

Free Advice:
If at any time you lose control of your bladder while witnessing or experiencing a so-claimed supernatural occurrence, you'll have learned a vital truth. The answer is YES, you should consult your doctor about adult incontinence.